Many contenders in these no-holds barred games
By Leo Canty
Published: Thursday, December 17, 2009 12:00 PM EST
At this time the world competition for the sport of Throwing People Under the Bus (TPUB) has not received enough recognition to be accepted as a sport for the 2012 Games of the XXX Olympiad in London. But it’s becoming so popular I’m betting by XXXI in Rio we’ll be watching the judges rating style, speed, and accuracy in HDTV.
At Connecticut’s biggest TPUB arena, the state Capitol, trials are being held in just about every hall, caucus room, or office that can fit a contestant and a TV camera. Future TPUB sports reporters, currently deployed at the Capitol bureau, are covering the contests with vigor, enthusiasm, and watchful observance of technique and speed.
Leading in the games, on the second floor of the arena, Gov. Jodi Rell has just received a high score for style and delivery as she threw the state’s poorest children — along with their parents and many others — under the Budget Cuts Express. It was a particularly precise and well-executed throw, tossing the most programs and people in the least amount of time, while also drawing the loudest roars from the people who care the most about the people who are most in need.
TPUB team games can be found in rings even on street corners. Go to any Democratic political event and you’ll find the teams roped in by yellow tape and police barriers, heaving people and programs under the yellow Thomas Minotour.
The Titan Tea Baggers are the stars now. They beat out the Wall Street Greedy Bums, last year’s champs who won the gold — well, actually lost the gold — by throwing every working stiff with a 401(k) under the NYC M184 on Broadway. The Bums lost the belt to the Tea Baggers, who scored higher with their spin-loop dump twist that lobs Sen. Chris Dodd under the bus daily while blaming him for every bad event for the last 165 years.
Dodd was solely responsible for the Great Depression and the Irish potato famine, you know.
There’s a newcomer to the official TPUB Games. She developed her skills by heaving WWE workers under the ropes. But Linda McMahon is finding her stride and may have a future as an Olympic contender. Her best showing so far is the double flip-flop Rob Simmons toss. Her early attempts at chucking scored low but the judges got more keyed into her style and scored her higher after she offered them jobs working on her campaign and free rides on the RAW RAW RINO bus. Now McMahon has a panel of judges who can work on convincing voters that she really knows the difference between a smackdown and a roll call.
If they’re rolling, they’re already on the mat, right?
Then there’s “Fightin’ Joe” — Chris Healy. He’s a Republican Party chair contender who threw more people under the bus than the Bums — mostly Democrats and anyone who seems to look Democratic. His venue is located wherever and whenever a reporter can be found. If you are ever roaming about the Capitol you might hear a zziipp … thwump … thump … screeech. You can bet “Fightin’ Joe” just flipped an unsuspecting Dem lookalike under the shuttle. He’s a chucking champion and popular among media types who don’t want to travel far for a quick matchup to cover.
Good thing most reporters or columnists don’t look or act like Democrats.
All of that makes the TPUB Games so extraordinarily interesting: They are no-holds barred, multidimensional, complex, and allow contestants to say and do things that are totally outside the corporate skybox. These games allow full audience participation, manipulation, and decoration by tire treadmarks. These games are becoming so popular there’s just no way the International Olympic Committee will be able to pass it up, at least as a demonstration sport.
There is one thing that may hamper progress for the sport here, however.
The last couple of governors never really put much emphasis on or funding into mass transit. There just might not be enough buses around for the contenders to use for practice sessions.
There might be a few people who would be happy about that.
Leo Canty is a labor and political activist. He lives in Windsor.